the dumbest criminals of 2010.

It's the last day of 2010 so what better way to end it! (I know, there's plenty of better things to do).

• The broke guy who walked into a bank claiming to have a bomb and demanding $2000, who was then convinced by the bank manager to fill out a loan application.
• The middle aged gardener who was upset that someone had stolen one of his marijuana plants, so called the police to report the theft. The police responded by swiping his other four plants.
• The man who cut ahead of two uniformed police officers in line at Starbucks and then demanded cash from the till. The man was quickly tackled and arrested.
• The Florida woman who started a fire in a filing cabinet at work so she could go home early and still get a full day's pay.
• the carjacker who dropped his gun into his 69 year old victim's lap; she quickly picked it up and aimed it back at him.
• The husband and wife team who made a living by shoplifting and re-selling the goods online, and went on TV's Dr Phil to brag about it.

So HAPPY NEW YEAR for tonight. The final full year before we die in 2012 (if you believe in it- I don't.)

My Words of 2010 [R18- explicit content]

Well it's nearly the new year and I have to decide which of the many parties I shall grace with my presence and pass out on their floor (I know you're reading this people who spiked my orange juice. Not naming anyone -_-)
But would a new years (or at least week prior) be without some completely pointless reminiscing. And being the grammar nazi that I am (yes I know I started a sentence with And) I decided to think of my words of 2010 *said with really deep, dramatic movie trailer voice*.

My vocabulary spans a vast distance and this year was no different. My conversations have ranged from the sexual to the violent to the edible, to the musical and then back to the sexual (in that exact order). So here's the list of my made up words of 2010.
Jizztastic, spermalicious, cumageddon, cumland (might I add most of these weren't invented by me; don't judge me so badly) semensational and my personal favourite cumbubalicious (pronounced cum-bub-ah-lish-iss). Now you may be thinking "oh he just made these up". Well, um, duh! I did say above "my list of made up words". These were made up over the course of 2010 and mainly when I was bored in english (hopes teacher doesn't read). And yes, these HAVE all been used in GENERAL conversation within my immediate (and most likely only) group of friends. Which begs the question. "What do they talk about?" That, my innocent reader will be answered another day ( I need some material for future blogs). And I can assure you. YOU [probably] DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!

If you do then look forward to my future posts :).

My Enlightenment.

So I sit here, already bored (because I'm writing a blog post. it's my last resort) on the second week of my holidays. A typical Wellington summers day outside of cloud and wind and.....well yeah, I'm just bored.
Although I could be forgiven for this boredom after last Saturday, the day of pilgrimage to see my gods. The great  BON JOVI! The super-human group of Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora and the other two nobody really cares about. But they're still awesome. Oh it was amazing, but oh how it made the rest of my holidays completely crap in comparison. Oh well paintball on Monday. Might be good to get my ass kicked at that.

the hero I am [not].

It's a fine day as I walk down the street yesterday heading back from school to catch my rip off of a bus (I'll stop bitching about this one day). until I come across something extraordinary that I'm paying for now with aches and pains (keep reading if you have a tolerance for complete and utter bullshit). 

So I'm walking along Main Street and I hear this scream come from a dimly lit alley. Being the responsible caring citizen that I am I just have to investigate. Only to find shock horror at a completely disturbing sight.

An old lady getting mugged and beaten up with her own walking frame!!! I had to do something about it, I couldn't just walk past and let this happen. So I removed my tie, rolled up my sleeves and gave my bag to my friend to hold onto and took action. I called out to the three punks "what the hell are you doing?"

They stopped beating the lady and  yelled out to me "F*** off pimpsqueak." which enraged me so I flying ninja kicked one of them in the back of the head. Little did I know that I had knocked down their leader which had made the other two run off screaming for their mummies at the sight of my awesomeness. The man got up rubbing his head after the sheer force of my flying ninja kick. The man picked up a piece of conveniently place 4x2 and threw it at me. Fortunately it flew over me as I ducked and hit my friend knocking him out in the process (which is why he can't confirm that this happened.) I then charged at him, but before I could reach him he had pulled a revolver out from under his blazer and was firing it at me! Subconciously I ran up along the wall as all the bullets narrowly missed me. I leapt from the wall onto his shoulder and dug my thumbs into his eyesockets. He then threw me off his shoulders through a wall. After being knocked out for a few seconds I picked myself up and tore my shirt of to reveal my bulging 6 pack (now it's just become absurd) I ripped open a locker inside this building and put straps of ammo on my shoulders and grabbed a conveniently loaded machine gun. I turned around and there was the man standing at the hole in the wall. I pulled back the safety and was gutted to find he was also holding a machine gun. I dived behind a desk and fired through a gap at the bottom of the desk at him. I leaned up to get a glimpse over the desk and there he was hiding behind a filing cabinet. He turned around and fired at me, so I fired back. I was trapped, there was only one way I was going to get out, so I did it. I dived through the glass out of a second story window onto the top of Mr Lee's old Daihatsu. and hid behind it. I fired a few rounds into the office hoping I'd get him. But then I saw him at the other side of the car park with a machette. "Bullshit" I thought as I dropped my gun and crouched into position. I felt my hands warm up as he came charging at me with the machette. I yelled the words and pushed my arms out....and Super sayaned (I know it's spelt wrong) him. He flew right through town onto the hill. He was dead.

The old lady then came up and thanked me ffor saving her life and bought me McDonalds :D

Procrastination

With little over 4 weeks until the first of my exams that determine basically the next 60 years of my life (think of it that way and you will surely crap yourself (hopefully not literally)). My pattern of 'regular' study (or bullshit I tell my chemistry teacher to avoid a lecture) is anything but regular. An example of my revision is that it's about as regular as finding menstrual pills of some form in your fruit juice. (thanks guys, they didn't make me sick or anything *sarcastic voice).
So, I sit here right now pulled in by the almighty forces of facebook, and this blog (I should describe this as a force in my physics exam) trying at all costs to avoid the demon of study. Physics, Chemistry, Biology, English, Maths and Music. What better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. NOT!
Well, nothing's happening here or on Facebook, so I might clean my room. Actually having said that Study sounds quite appealing. After I throw up these pills, nice to see I have "friends".

The quarter-pounder effect.

So as I am standing in some strange store this afternoon with 3 of my friends browsing at the vast range of Chocolate nipple cream and fluffy handcuffs. (Yes, I am straight) I start to crave McDonalds, so walking into the flashest building in Upper Hutt I remember the ads of a man doing man shit while carrying a quarter pounder. Now I am a sucker for advertising, and apart from the massive thing that defines what a male is (you know what I'm talking about) I'm quite lacking. My ability to grow quite possibly the world's most pathetic facial hair is one thing (although I was completely stoked when I discovered I had about 3 chest hairs the other day), I also possibly have the world's shyest muscles (I can assure you they are there, although yet to be seen), one thing I do have though is the ridiculously extreme horniness of the average male. So standing there having my mini epiphany I decide to buy the 'man burger'- the quarter pounder as well as a Cheeseburger for my cheap ass friend at http://whatadaywithdj.blogspot.com/ (free advertising D.J. you heard of Karma?) I rip into the packaging like any man would and hold that Quarter Pounder in my firm grasp above my shoulder and point. I didn't feel like more of a man, I felt like a dick! Now, feeling bitterly disapointed and with fat dripping into my hand from the patty (mmmmm appetising) I gouge down the quarter pounder and realised, no man would hold a Quarter pounder all day without eating it. He'd get a sore arm mainly, even Sylvester Stallone. But a true man would gouge down this combo without giving a second thought to his expanding waistline (again something that I don't seem to have, but I'll keep this one thanks) so I let out a big "stuff you advertising" in my head and caught my ridiculously expensive bus (yes, I'm still bitching about that) home and ate some leftover Quiche (Again, yes I am straight).

$2.50+2.5%= ripped off.

So, there I was totally thinking I was completely failing maths this year. But oh the the joy of finding out I am not alone today! *Said with ridiculous amount of sarcasm*.
The story begins last week when the government puts up GST to 15%. But my cheapskate mother refuses to raise my pocket money to suit, instead handing me over the good old "Get a job" lecture. Now, hoping for no death threats or dismemberment I shall tell you that this mother who is a spawn of Satan was responsible for introducing this GST rise.
Anyway,
My maths seemed brilliant today when I discovered that the cattle truck of a bus I catch had raised their prices from $1 to $1.50. Thanks Valley Flyer. 2.5% should really make the fare $1.025, but nooooooooooo, then the tuckshop for my 'mince pie' that consisted of roadkill in between a 'pastry' of soggy cardboard charged me $3.00. Now, I never buy pies so I don't know the old price so I'll just assume that I'm getting ripped off. Then, with my already empty wallet a few grams lighter I roll up to the true saints of overcharging at the dairy across the road to buy myself the true orgasm on a stick called a Memphis Meltdown. Where I discover that thanks to the pricks at Valley Flyer I am now 20 cents short and have to settle for a popsicle. I think I just might be buying a freaking calculator for everyone this Christmas.
Thanks mum. *again said with ridiculous amount of sarcasm.*

My first blog.

OMG This is awesome. My first blog. I am now in the blogosphere.
My name is Jamie and I would say that I am your pretty average guy from your normal bogan trash hole of Upper Hutt. I have a pretty average life of doing absolutely nothing, with the occasional addition of nothing. So I'm pretty normal. APART FROM MY HORRIBLY DISTURBING MIND!!!!! Hence the name of this blog. Soooo, I will be posting in the the future on what goes on in this vast expanse of grey matter. Oh, and on the odd occasion that something interesting will happen in my life.

I shall keep you posted.
'Till then,
TTFN