"Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed."

-Gandhi

^^One of the best quotes ever, I just thought I'd be philosophical.

In other good news. HAPPY FEET IS PROBABLY DEAD :D, Most likely eaten by an Orca. Fuck....yes.

I hate Happy Feet.

Hi everybody, yes I'm still alive.
...but pissed off.

I'm SO sick of Happy Feet, that poorly named penguin (Happy Feet is the name of a movie, not the fucking penguin, as I heard somewhere it's like finding a dog and calling it 101 dalmatians) he has been in the news far to much lately. Today I also got told that happy feet stories have been getting the highest hits out of any stories this year....with the earthquake and everything.

Another reason he is horribly named is because he isn't happy at all. he is an angry, depressed, money sucking little shit.

He actually hates life because he ate enormous amounts of sand to try and top himself. Instead of letting nature take its course, our vets happily operated to suck out the 4kg of sand.

He also has a temper problem. There is a saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you"- Well, Happy Feet is a rebel. I have it on good authority that he has bitten the hand that feeds him not once, but fricken twice.....the little shit doesn't appreciate a free feed!

And finally he is a bloody expensive piece of meat......
He spent a total of nine weeks at Wellington Zoo costing tens of thousands of dollars......$87,000 to be exact >.<

He left our shores this week (good riddance), but the spending hasn't stopped. He received a leaving gift of a GPS worth a few thousand grand and is now on board a NIWA research vessel (yes a boat and entire crew for 1 fucking bird) and after four days heading towards Antarctica he will be released back into the wild.

Join me in crossing fingers that we will never have to hear of this motherfucking bird ever again.
Piss off Happy Feet....break a leg.

:)

So it's been a weeeeeeeeeeee while since I last posted (4 months) but I think this is worth it...

I think that whore I'm forced to call a sister might actually be retarded....like seriously, we can not be genetically related :/

Fuck yeah, who just bought Kurt Cobain's journals today!?!??!? That's right I did! Even the page with the publishing details is amazing. I think reading this will be the most amazing, sensational thing that I have ever done!!!!!!!!!! That's all the blog you're getting today because I am fucking off to read my book/bible.

the real world.

So I finally did it. Yep, I never thought it would actually happen but it did.
After 2 whole years of constant nagging from the one who's role it actually is to give me lots of money (stupid mothers) I got a job.........somehow.
Yes, somehow I was seen to be responsible and mature enough (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) to get a job and also that job is in the food industry.....yup, be scared.

The worst people really do go to Hell (metaphorically), so next time you order a pizza it could well be me answering the phone!!!

ohwell, time to go work my first shift slaving a way to the man. Clearly not the rockstar dream then.


Btw for those of you who having been living under a rock lately, tonight (Friday the 22nd of April 2011) at 10.15pm is the feature length documentary on the Foo Fighters. And it being 'Grohl' Friday means that it's entirely ad-free and uninterupted!!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be a 2 hour orgasm!!!!!!

here's the trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH2KA9-qZKo

I'll miss you :'(

It may come as a surprise to some of you to find out that I am a musician (what could give that away), which is what brings about this message of great sorrow.

R.I.P. Real Groovy.
Yes, that bright orange store on Cuba Street is closing down. A music lover's utopia. A place of magicness (and probably a lot of drugs) with the greatest range of music available anywhere. The ultimate conformity of the non-conformist population of Wellington (trust me, there's a lot of them-the kind of people who rock up there on their unicycles to buy their selection of alternative music to do acid to). A place I loved because it's the only place with such a range of metal albums, a place where I'd go in and the dude would just be like "dude if you like this band you should check these guys out (whips out awesome band)" a place where you'd go in for a flick through and end up staying there for two hours talking to somebody about music etc. etc.- You sure don't get that at the warehouse.
So real groovy you will be sorely missed. The only place I have a real sense of belonging now is the rockshop.
(greatest memory is when the guy behind the counter pointed out magic mushrooms on the $50 note. Seriously, have a look. It's on the bird side. (I don't actually know what musshies look like so I'm just gonna take his word for it)).

Although on the upside....Closing down sale. SCORE!

The new and improved Jamie's World

Welcome back to Jamie's world (elmo's world theme song plays-except with jamie instead of elmo)
Your one and only adventure up to greats heights and inside my mind (because everybody wants to do that).

So as you may have noticed. the page has been revitalised!!! I reckon the books make it look awesome and it seems like you've come into a giant ancient library to seek wisdom from me (while I stroke an epic beard). So, put basically, the page has been changed to satisfy my own ego.

Hope you enjoy it (:

I'm pretty sure today would be in the running for the most boring day of my life. Like no shit. I have done absolutely nothing....................well, nobody does nothing because they'd be dead otherwise but other than the obvious breathing and stuff I.....

• Woke up (without a hangover. It's one of those rare saturday mornings)
• played playstation.
• migrated between the computer and aimlessly listened to music all day.                                                      

At one point I did get so bored that I went for a drive and bought an ice-cream (does anybody else crave ice-cream on especially cold days or is it just me???) so I ate that at the beach (I was the only one there. My mate who lives near the beach realised it was raining and said another day-which made me slightly more bored) and then went home. Fortunately for my sanity both the Foo Fighters AND Asking Alexandria have new albums out this week which are absolutely amazing!!!!!!!! Check 'em out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJroU3jwatA

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbpqZT_56Ns

And I'm totally loving the library at the moment. My mate Mike (he's good for some things) told me that there's CD's there for $1 a week.....and I found out that they're perfectly compatible with my i-tunes. SCORE

well I hope you all had a better day than me :P

A tribute to Bacon

hello followers!!!!!!!!!! How awesome was it saying that!!! I felt like a god or something :)

Anyway, it's the holiday's which of course means late nights and late mornings, being a lazy motherfucker and of course.....Jeremy Kyle. Yes Jerry I'm back! You can be sure I will be religiously sitting on the couch watching the shit go down on your show. I'll go 'oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh' when you sit down on that step of yours. I'll lean forward in anticipation when you open the envelope for the lie detector test, I'll be cheering and applauding when you tell someone to 'shut the fuck up' and I'll be clicking my fingers like a ghetto black woman and going 'oh no he didn't' when you kick somebody off the stage. But Jeremy Kyle (why is this show not on at nights!!!) isn't the only thing I'll be having too much of these holidays (no it's not alcohol either. I promise I'll go easy...well I can't really make promises now can I?) I will be having a shitload of...............BACON.  You know when the cookie monster (and Mike) go "COOOOOOOOKKKIIIIIIEEEE?" well I'll be like that except I'll be like "BAAAAACCCCCCCOOOOOONNNN!!!" I plan on eating a whole farm of pigs these holidays, not even that cute little thing on Winnie the pooh is safe from my appetite. I plan on eating so much of this beautiful gift from the gods that I'll need a heart bypass by the time term two comes around.......let's face it. No matter how much I eat I'll still be a lanky mother fucker. Well anyway, 

Bacon I salute you!

PS. Ingenious idea: Eating Bacon while watching Jeremy Kyle! I can't wait!!!! 

I'm baaaaaaaack

I'm posting a blog!!!!! I told you I would haha. I don't have to call my first born child Wank-knuckle. Although I probably will just for a laugh, I'm evil in that way.

So something exciting must have happened for me to be posting on my blog that's as neglected as a child in South Auckland (too far?- Naaaah I used to live there. I'm allowed to say it.) Well no. In fact, the opposite. Like as opposite as a black guys opinion in Texas (I think that might have been too far.) because, my legs are fucking sore. Like really, really, sore. Bear Grylls doesn't know pain until he's experienced this!!! I am experiencing this pain because the year 9's at my school are stupid, drunken, idiotic, cunty, fuck knuckle whores!!!!! (Definitely not too far!) Oh, did I mention they were fuck knuckles?? ( I'm on a roll with the whole knuckle theme at the moment aren't I?) Because they're all little shits, us year 13's have had to sacrifice our study[bakery] spells and stats (YAAAAAAAAAAY) to patrol the school and catch the little shits who are wagging, smoking, and being just general bastards. I now think a gas chamber would be a good idea.

So, how are they so bad????

• yesterday, 9 year 9's (coincidence?) were found drunk-at school- in uniform- AT 11AM!!!!! I mean I'm not somebody to talk down drinking because that would be hypocritical but why the fuck at school at 11am??? Duuuuuude.
• a ginger kid thought he was cool because he ran away from us and locked the door on us. Little did he know that me and Riley could run and we did. the fact that he was fat didn't help him in his escape because we cornered him and brought him to Ehrler (Hitler- do not get on his bad side!!! It is a shower of raging saliva. I've seen it happen to so many people and it's still just as entertaining.)
• and the waggers 'who didn't know what class they had' so when we threatened to tell the dp they suddenly remembered their class. 

The world truly is fucked.
But I did have pizza for dinner so all is good.

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd completely forgotten I even had a blog so to my loyal fans...whoop's. my bad.
My life has just been so jam packed lately with general laziness and fatness that my hands were full.......with cheeseburgers. Oh, and how could I forget that FUCKING 3000 WORD BIOLOGY REPORT ON TRANSGENIC PIGS. It was seriously like being raped by a Nigerian donkey. Why Nigerian??? Well why not?
So if you ever come across an urgent need to know about transgenic pigs in your life you know who to call. You can reach me on 027....Nah, I'm not that stupid : p
Soooooooooooo, I PROMISE that I will make a proper post tommorrow that you can enrich your lives with because I can't really be fucked doing it now.
I really do promise, or I'll name my first born child wank-knuckle.

Should I?

Alright, I'm just gonna say it, it might come as a surprise to some (or most) but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm considering dropping out of school.

Why you ask?
Because I'm in love is why. In love with Jeremy Kyle. My holiday's consisted of dragging myself out of bed at about 11.30-12.00 getting dressed, doing my teeth and making a mean breakfast (not really. I cooked it, I'm a shocker in the kitchen) and eating that while watching my favourite 'chat' (shout at retarded poor British people) show.
Now it involves dragging myself out of bed at 6.00 and eating coco-pops to a Paul Henry-less Breakfast :(. Jeremy Kyle doesn't feature in my day at all and I am NOT liking it. Hence why I want to drop out of school. Sure I'll be unemployed and poor (Ironically like the guests on Jeremy Kyle) and just laxing out on the couch drinking Beer and eating Dorito's. But I'll be watching Jeremy Kyle, and THAT will add meaning to my life.

But then there's my Nazi parent. She makes Hitler seem like tickle me Elmo.

aaaaand in breaking news, Mike Munro is gay!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Study spells are great, but........................................................

They're sucking my bank account dry!!!! Seriously that Bakery sucks money like a slut at a gathering of a significant number of males!

Speaking of Bank Accounts I went in today to open a chequing one with my friend, which is not a good idea if you DON'T want to look like a gay couple. I had to accentuate "account'SSSSSSS" to the woman many times, but she still booked our appointment together -_- fml. But I need the account because I need a JOB (I finally bowed to my mum's nagging and wrote a CV. I am now searching-while conforming to man) so if anybody has any job's going that pay well and require fuck all work give me a call :)!!!! Stupid Corin Dann got the Breakfast job. I would've been SO much better.

The world is f****ed!!!

Soooooo if you didn't know already I'm a peer supporter this year. I know, they let ME become a PEER supporter without having to give any sexual favours to Mr. Ehrler (AHHHHHHHHH BAD THOUGHTS, BAD THOUGHTS, BAD THOUGHTS, BAD THOUGHTS). But if they let Mike and Pearce in then I'm sure I would be allowed in. Which worked out true because I got leader (My Nazi style regime of dictation begins. I'll show Egypt how it's done.), again with no sexual actions performed. But after 3 days I already regret this decision after the learning to learn course today. (remember that? It's still just as gay, and the bread rolls just as stale). Because THE YEAR 9'S ARE FUCKING RETARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, it's like a class of 30 Travis's. You're probably thinking "Noooooooo they can't be THAT bad". Trust me. They are. Travis is someone capable of doing classes at his year level compared to them. Here's some of the utter stupidity mentioned by these stupid fuckwits. (oh, thanks Dana for falling asleep and letting us do the work! Really appreciate it!)

• Playing a game where you had to go to an opposite end of a line to what opinion you stand by, a girl standing in the middle of the line when asked "why are you sitting on the fence?" looks down with a 'what the fuck' expression on her face expecting to see a fence. THEN she looks at us like we're retards for saying fence!!!
• Again on the line game the scenario was that a man's baby died. they all then ask in unison "is it a real baby?"
• This question then develops into an 50 year old man dying to which they all ask "how did he turn 50 so fast?" (facepalms).
• But the stupidest question of the day goes to this girl playing wink murder. (that game where everybody stands in circle and you have one winker (WINKER not, you know) and they wink at you and you dramatically die) When the first person drops dead she turns around and asks me "Is he really dead?" (at this point I felt like Kurt Cobain-ing myself).

There were plenty more but to save my sanity I won't mention it. Oh, and to top it all off, the icing on the cake of fuckwitiness, they write in their evaluation forms at the end of the day that we need to watch our language   -__-.
WHY DO I NEED TO WATCH MY FUCKING LANGUAGE!?!?!?!?! stupid cunts >:(

The extra special K.

Apparently today is Ku Klux Klan (KKK) day. Which raises a number of questions (3 actually, for all the autistic readers).

1. Why the fuck is there a KKK day? (The obvious one).
2. What do you do on a KKK day? Is it like Christmas? Do southern hick american's go out with their son/nephew (same thing, well there it is. And in Masterton) and lynch blacks and burn crosses as a family? And is it a public holiday in Texas.
3. Why isn't Briscoes having a sale for it? You'd think they'd pounce at the oppurtunity to have another fucking sale to rape my letterbox with. Can't you just imagine the Briscoes lady on TV; "White sheets and pillowcases. 60% off! Scented crosses and candles, make your hatred smell like roses, now $6.99, and show your passion with white dinner plates 40% off. Offers end sunday at the Briscoes Triple K sale!"

Somehow I think that's one sale Briscoes won't have. I know!
Mike's party tomorrow, next time I post I would've been raped, numerous times. Not good :/

Addition and apology

Before I start I've got something to add to the last blog. A survey of airline cabin crew found some strange, and stupid requests.

• "Please, can you open the window?"
• "Can you show me to the showers?"
• "Can you take my children to the playroom?"
• "Could you turn the engines down because they are too noisy."
• "Is there a McDonalds onboard?"
• "Can you ask the Captain to stop the turbulence?"

I was also a bit harsh to Hamilton. Sorry Hamilton, I found out today that if you pee in the river Aucklanders have to drink it.

Visit because..............well...........

So I hear Tauranga is looking for a new slogan to launch it's tourism campaign. Well, seeing that my dad lives there which means I visit every school holidays, I reckon I know the place pretty well.
Here are my suggestions:

• Tauranga: the girls are just as slutty as at Heretaunga (not any current/former Heretaunga student reading this!!! (: ) but rich and clean.
• Tauranga: Gateway to Rotorua
• Tauranga: For the newly wed and nearly dead.
• Tauranga: Blue skies and Grey Hair.
• Tauranga: It's like Florida with a toll bridge.
• Tauranga: Hey, you could be in Hamilton?
• Tauranga: The night life's great! If your bed-times 7.30

They should totally use these.

Pointless asking questions to myself thing...

I don't usually like dwelling on the past because I've had some bad experiences (I'm from Palmerston North and have lived in South Auckland and Waiouru. Enough said) but I've been asked by a friend who doesn't actually follow this pathetic excuse for a blog (hint, hint) to answer thes questions HONESTLY! (Boy are you NOT in for a surprise).

What were you doing.......

a second ago: thinking of what I was doing the second before a second ago.

a minute ago: Swearing profusely at robot unicorn attack after it froze because some motherfucker wanted to chat with me.

an hour ago: watching porn

6 hours ago: swimming at the beach (in Tauranga, because it's not raining like it always seems to in Upper Hutt.)

one day ago: probably watching porn

one week ago: sleeping off a new years hangover

one month ago: probably watching porn

one year ago: probably watching porn

five years ago: I'd just started playing guitar so; thinking I'm awesome 'cos I could play smoke on the water (which I forgot how to play)

ten years ago: playing crash bandicoot on my playstaion 1 ;P

Who would have thought ae? (I would've thought anyone could have).